Well guys I have great news: The cover for Abandonment Party is complete! Now all I have to do is wait ten more years for Kim to finish critiquing my chapters! Zounds! I’d better get the blog entry started!
The chapter begins with Tyle fighting Trisk at the Stone Rory Refuge. Most of Kim’s worries here are quick bits where she can’t follow the action. See, Tyle has a synthetic arm. In the first draft I was calling it the ‘right’ arm but I figured that was too boring. So then I came up with the brilliant idea to sunburn Tyle’s normal arm so that there would be a color difference. But Kim doesn’t know it’s mechanical yet so now she’s sitting at her computer wondering why his pale, pasty arm is so powerful.
I also use the word “jarring” to describe Trisk’s punches for some reason.
- Tyle found himself in a sea of clattering disks, the vines spilling around him as the plates they were sitting on cracked into pieces.
- Kim – Are plates and disks the same thing?
Afraid so. I just hate using the same noun again so soon, even if it’s for the same object! But I must adapt! For the sake of the reader!
- “So who sent you to do this?” she breathed into his ear, pressing her forearm to one side of his throat, while her thin bicep dug into the other.
- Kim – Odd word choice here. Flexed biceps aren’t usually thin on anyone.
Hm, time to do some research. Off I go to search for images of woman’s biceps!
::two hours later::
Turns out you’re right. I won’t use any adjective at all.
After the battle Parlay shows up. He demonstrates his power over lifeforms by picking up a plant and causing it to flex around in his hand. Since all of the plants in this area react to each other, they all mimic the actions.
- He tossed the small plant up in the air, catching it.
- Kim – Would this make all of the vine jump up and down once too?
Ha,ha,ha. That would be funny. But since the vines can’t jump on their own they won’t mimic this movement.
- “They couldn’t have been like that,” Trisk argued. She tugged on a long, black strand of hair.
- Kim – Why is she doing that?
Because women with long hair do that when they’re getting defensive? I’ve seen them do that! YOU do that!
I guess you didn’t realize you were doing it. And now that you know, I suppose I won’t be able to spot your ‘tell’ when we play Cards Against Humanity again. Darn.
- “…Magic that affected the body was already taboo; Tenny and his gang only made the prejudice worse.”
- Kim – His gang? Like a biker gang?
Parlay is just using a harsher term here. Is there a name for a group of martial artists that train together? What would you call them? Posse?
- Trisk let go of her hair, letting it dangle at the side of her face.
- Kim – She didn’t let go of it earlier when she was nearly ripping it out? So she’s been pulling on her hair that strongly this whole time? Didn’t that hurt?
Yeah it did! But because of her ‘static’ state her hair won’t get torn from the follicles. It’s like she’s hurting herself a bit to take her mind off something she didn’t want to accept. But there’s no damage to her body.
DON’T do this at home kids.
- “You couldn’t have taught everyone; it’s nobody’s fault.”
- Kim – Not quite sure what this means. Why couldn’t he teach everyone? Thought he couldn’t even teach anyone (a single person)? How does she know it’s nobody’s fault? Does she know what happened when everyone died?
Here Parlay is lamenting how he wasn’t able to teach anyone on the planet about the taboo magic that would have saved their lives. Then Trisk responds with the above line. But she does not know for certain what killed everyone on the planet. I’ll have to add a line from Parlay to call her out on it.
Parlay’s demonstration continues as he sets the whole place on fire with the blazing vines. Kim makes a few suggestions on how to make things more dramatic. She also asks if “rories” is a typo once again. Kim, If you would read these chapters faster you’d remember that they’re magical flying snails!
::swirls wine around in a glass:: It’s quite a challenge picking out Kim’s legitimate concerns over the stuff that she just forgot about last chapter. But I suppose I’m up to the task! Oh-hoho!
- Rories are a species of gastropods––like a snail––that are slow on their own, but can move other objects with magic––much like Mean can.
- Kim – Maybe this definition should be back when the word is first being used?
Oh, whoops. Is this the first time Tome explains what rories are? That means Kim didn’t forget. Nevermind what I said up there. Sorry, Kim! Ha,ha, should I move the definition to an earlier chapter?
- By forming a shell from these objects, they are able to fly in them.
- Kim – Wait, what? So they’re flying snails?
Hm. No, I think I WON’T move the ‘rory’ definition. I think it would be funnier if every reader that gets to this part blurts out “WAIT, WHAT? SO THEY’RE FLYING SNAILS!?”
Kim has more ideas for the rest of this scene, such as ways to clarify dialog. But up next we find Parlay, Tyle, and Dring back at the pyramid. Parlay uses his magic to heal Tyle’s injuries.
- “This won’t bring my arm and leg back, will it?”
- Kim – What happened to his leg? I thought Trisk only broke apart his arm?
I suppose I’ll have to make it clear that Tyle is referring to his ORIGINAL arm and leg and not the mechanical ones.
- “Will I remember today?” Tyle asked, staring at the planet’s reflection in the river beneath them.
- Kim – What does that look like?
Very nice! Don’t let opportunities like this pass! If my descriptions could be better feel free to suggest it.
Now something strange happens. Dring starts to watch Mean and her friends through a monitor. No, that’s not the strange part. It’s what Kim says.
- “I can probably hook it back up if you tell me how, Tome,” Darrow said offscreen.
- Kim – How does he know who Darrow is? For Dwing’s POV, wouldn’t if just be a male voice?
Wait, are you saying that I SHOULDN’T use a character’s name in the narration if Dring doesn’t know that name himself? I should just say “a male voice speaks?” Even though the reader would know? Even though you told me fifteen times in this chapter to write ‘Parlay’ instead of ‘blond-haired man!?’
Anyway, Dring HAS watched Mean before so he DOES know their names. I’d still like to know what your logic is, though.
- “Guess we’ll be here a while,” Mean said with a small hand on her hip.
- Kim – But why? Isn’t the place on fire? And if the fire burned itself out, why would they stay there? What are they doing?
Parlay was supposed to shut the fire plants off but I didn’t put it in there! I also forgot to tell you about the plan to clean up the refuge after the fight. Poor Kim thought Mean and her buddies were all hanging around a burning building for no reason. I would put that famous ‘this is fine’ burning dog meme up. But those images are subject to copyright.
And now that I’ve been working with a graphical artist for the book’s cover I see now that I shouldn’t be using images that I didn’t make or pay for. ::wink::
- Trisk and Darrow soon jogged into view, and the group gathered while Dwing settled in to spectate.
- Kim – Why is he watching them? Does Parlay know he is? Not sure what the goal is here.
Kim. Kim. In our world of YouTube, Facebook stalking, and reality TV, you’re telling me you can’t think of ONE reason that a guy would want to stare at girls on a monitor?
And yeah Parlay does know. But he didn’t tell him to do it. He might go through his hex door browser’s ‘history’ tab later though.
Next is the final scene of the chapter: where Dark and Mean have a tender moment.
- Dark cleared his throat but remained silent, and for a while only the rustle of trees beyond the high walls could be heard.
- Kim – Wait, is the whole refuge open to the sky? Kept picturing a bio-dome of some kind.
That’s right. I might have neglected to mention that there was no ceiling. BUT at least Kim understands that this is, indeed, my idea of romance. If she was wondering ‘what the goal is here’ I think I’d have to start over. At life.
Nice going, everyone! I’ll see you next time!
Good feedback Kim! This is much better than any of the typos or grammar mistakes I caught. Brad if I remember right I think my reaction was, “Whoa! A flying snail?!”
Yeah. And you definitely told me that it was a good idea to keep the reader confused about rories as long as possible. 😉