In this chapter Tome reveals the horrible truth about Droldragia and the wicked monster that was sealed within. Only one man can venture back into the zone to face the beast! That’s right! It’s Darklord! And just to make sure I know it, Kim has written his name in the margin of her critique countless times!
Yes, every time I call him “Dark” in the narration Kim reprimands me with a note that reads “Darklord.” I still don’t see a problem with calling characters by their nicknames but Kim got this idea somewhere and she is NOT letting me forget it.
But let me get to the critique highlights. Kim hasn’t sent me a new chapter in a while and I don’t want her to get scared off by my endless whining.
Dark held up a finger. “But you can’t sense me in this armor, is that right?”
Darrow looked up as Tome answered. “Well, my attention wasn’t drawn to you until I heard the others thinking ‘who is this person with Mean.'”
- This sounds weird. Does Tome take control of Darrow here?
No. What? Darrow is just awaiting Tome’s reply. His voice is right above his head. I’ll add “Darrow looked up, awaiting his reply” so you won’t think that he got possessed even though Tome doesn’t start to do that until halfway through the book.
- Mean wiped a hand over her shorts, then grasped a bronze knob set in the pillar.
- Kim – Why?
Because her palm is sweaty. This is right after Darklord leaves through the hex door to confront Hellzoo. She’s nervous as she’s watching through the ‘camera.” The knob moves the camera’s view around.
What, did you think it’s something perverted again? Honestly! I should have known I couldn’t talk about knobby things and wiping shorts without your mind veering off into the gutter! 😉
- The man in dark armor strolled from the gazebo, stepping from the wooden planks to the grass.
- Kim – Strolled is an odd word here since he’s going up against an unknown foe. Especially since he sounds unsure of himself in dialogue soon after this.
Okay. I’ll use ‘crept’ or something.
- Ducking a bit as he passed the blank windows, he stepped up to the porch, grabbed the door handle, and pushed his way in.
- Kim- Might be over-describing here. Also lack of emotion here. Is he scared?
I’ll try to express more emotion with Dark’s movements. Like have him pull back from the door handle once or something.
It’s possible to duck ‘just a bit’ though, you goof.
- “Hey,” a teenager greeted, walking past the doorway. The young man paid little notice as he settled by a loud television, with kids of all ages playing a video game on the screen.
- Kim – He did pay some notice, he greeted him as soon as he saw him. It would actually be creepier if Darklord greeted him, but the teen ignored him.
You’re right! As Dark enters the house he sees the illusions that Hellzoo has created for Kates. I’m not sure why the illusions are reacting to him; the whole point of him coming here was because Hellzoo couldn’t immediately perceive him in the armor.
- “Oh, she’s back that way, dear,” a woman announced, emerging from a long hall with a styrofoam cup in her hand.
- Kim – There’s Styrofoam on this advanced planet?
Dang, I just checked: ‘Stryofoam’ is trademarked. So what am I supposed to call it? “A closed-cell extruded polystyrene foam cup?” Gotta be kidding me.
- Above her head hung a banner: ‘So you’re finally 40!’
- Is this like a floating banner that follows this woman around? Or a banner hanging in the middle of a hallway?
So if I say Dark opens a door by reaching for and turning the handle it’s “over-describing.” But if I don’t specifically announce that a cloth banner is affixed to the ceiling with tacks you think it’s LEVITATING by its own power.
- She kicked with her legs as her body rose from the floor, her nightgown falling loose at the shoulders.
- Kim- What else would she kick with?
Well the dictionary tells me that guns and cars can kick too. And gosh, I wouldn’t want you to get CONFUSED by my lack of description now would I?
- The ring held Kates by the furthest wall from the stairs, and Mean stopped where she was. Through the large window, the grass field encircled the gleaming city.
- Not sure they’d be paying any attention to what’s outside the window at this point.
I’m showing the background through the window for dramatic effect! Like one of those long shots in a film where two gunmen stare each other down at high noon. Good gravy if I DIDN’T mention what was outside you’d probably be like “WHERE’D THE CITY GO!?”
Whew! Now before I close I’d just like to mention that there were many more ideas that Kim had. And most of them were spot-on. But putting the good ideas on my blog isn’t nearly as hilarious!
But I want Kim to keep sending me helpful critiques so I do need to mention this, ha,ha.