The monster Hellzoo has been vanquished. The main antagonist, Parlay, has appeared. There’s only one thing for our heroes to do: Chill out at a water park for no reason!
So come inside as Kim aims to correct my delinquent writing behavior. I welcome it, but what have I done to incur her wrath this time?
- Darrow and Trisk stood next to a row of lockers, talking as the six pillars in the corner popped.
- Kim – Try to reduce –ing words when using past tense. Like here you could say “stood next to a row of lockers to talk” or something.
So this is your new thing. Now present tense words in past tense sentences are “wrong” somehow.
Nonsense! Tenses were my greatest thing I have done!
- “Hey guys,” Mean greeted them, kicking her sandals away as she stepped out of the hex door.
- Kim – Another –ing word. Could try: “She stepped out of the hex door and kicked her sandals away(off?).” And whenever you do that, end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma.
This is the next sentence on the page. Hm. You could be correct Kim, in that I’m overusing it. And as I take a quick peek down the margin of Kim’s notes I see that she has written “Another —-ing word” over and over. Are you sure you’re not just bleeping out swears?
- “Well, yeah,” Mean said. She brushed at the bump under her shirt. “I guess I forgot to charge it up after we ran away from Mackaba.”
- Kim – The bump is the battery pack? Maybe: “Mean brushed at the <name of device> under her shirt.”
Wow you remembered that Mean has a device under her shirt. I’ve been writing book four where it’s LONG gone. Thanks for the reminder. It’s a gravity pommel right? I think that’s it.
- Trisk pushed her way past him. “It means that you used your own magical power,” she told Mean, slapping the smaller girl’s shoulder with a smile.
- Kim – Don’t need the dialogue tag or –ing word here. Could say: “Trisk smiled as she slapped the smaller girl’s shoulder.” Otherwise, it almost sounds like she’s literally slapping with a smile.
Ha,ha. That’s right Trisk doesn’t get the power to slap people with her smiles until book three.
- “Darrow, what are you talking about?” Trisk groaned.
- Kim – Move to front of paragraph. She probably groaned first, then spoke.
What? No she didn’t. She groaned out that entire sentence. Trust me, I know what it’s like to get nagged at by a woman.
- There also were also fountains, wells, hoses and spigots, with no amount of liquid contained anywhere in them.
- Kim – Maybe just say “There were empty fountains, wells, hoses, and spigots.” Although how do they know the hoses and spigots have no water if they haven’t tried to turn them on? Maybe: “There were empty fountains and wells.” Any description about them? Were they decorated with fish? Smooth? Not sure what they look like.
Now this is what I wanted Kim here for: She loves nautical-themed stuff. Her house is filled with it. If anyone knows how to spruce up Hilo Water Plaza it’s her. She also pointed out the two ‘alsos’ in a separate note.
I’ll just have Darrow twist a spigot and say “There is no amount of liquid contained anywhere in it!”
- Darrow hopped up as the clear liquid spread.
- Kim – If it’s water, just call it water.
At this point “odd water” begins to pour out around the room, and I’m calling it ‘liquid’ to heighten suspense. But yes, it is just normal water that you can breathe in while submerged; there is little visual difference.
I suppose I’ll do as you say and call it water. Let this fascinating mystery speak for itself.
- The deluge crashed into a short, solid fence overlooking a hill, funneling into the round openings of plastic tubes.
- Kim – Just call them water slides.
::Groans for an entire paragraph:: Kim, I’m trying to understand. When I typed ‘it’s a well’ earlier you told me to describe every little detail about it so that I don’t send the world tumbling a state of confusion. Yet when I take the time to describe something you demand that I only call it by its name!?
Or are you–gasp–suggesting that I name something and ALSO describe it!?
- “Me too!” Mean cried, springing out.
- Kim – How did Mean hear what Trisk was saying underwater? Also: “Mean cried as she sprung out(up?) from beneath the surface.”
Odd water does not distort sound as much as real water does. I’ll just add that to the paragraph below, where Mean reads the sign that explains everything.
- Mean followed Trisk to the next room where they both left through the hex door, and Darrow sloshed to the table where Darklord now sat.
- Kim – Where are they going and why did they leave?
Well they can’t change into their swimsuits in front of Darrow!
But where are their swimsuits? Did they pack them before they left Jesice? Did they loot them somewhere? Are they going to their respective homes to change? I guess I could write something to fulfill your curiosity.
- “But then something great happened:” Mean broke in, looking up at the others with bright eyes. “A new Lord Ley! Now, this guy isn’t voted in like the others; he fills a position that’s changed every few years. For this position, a random person is chosen, tested, and then given a title that best suits the results.”
- Kim – This dialogue doesn’t really sound like someone’s natural speaking voice.
Mean is explaining the Lord Ley system that the nation of Jesice uses. Since she’s obsessed with Lord Ley Tecker, I was trying to suggest that Mean has memorized official statements and laws.
I guess I can get rid of that ‘bright eyes’ part and have her pose in a stately manner as she reads from an imaginary legal parchment.
I do love it when the games I play provide such convenient examples!
- “Wuh–well,” Mean stammered as she sunk down further into the water.
- Kim – “W-well”
What’s wrong with spelling out the stammer? Haven’t you read Watchmen? If the living legend Alan Moore can make characters phonetically stutter, so can I!
- Mean tugged on one of her bikini top’s straps, shaking her head.
- Kim – Not sure why she’s doing this. Is she going to take her top off? Little weird. Maybe “readjusted”?
My mistake. Yes, readjusting–that’s what she’s doing. I made sure to research swimsuits extensively so that I’d get them right. During my totally not creepy ‘pool studies’ I noticed that women were always tugging on their bikini straps. I thought I’d add that realism here for the sake of the reader. Always good to have your female insight, Kim.
- Night fell on Stone Rory Refuge. The sun descended below the tops of the high walls.
- Kim – Didn’t night already fall? How is the sun still setting?
The sun set in Hilo Water Plaza but now we’re in Stone Rory Refuge. These places are on different sides of the continent so the sun is setting later here. Since the hex doors offer instant transport the distance between places can be deceiving.
Should I point that out here? Is it really THAT confusing?
The last part of the chapter has Mackaba strutting around, talking to himself and barking orders at computers. Kim has a few criticisms here, but I think I’ll skip them. I mean, she has me as a good friend so she doesn’t understand how arrogant males act.
- Swirling upright again, he looked over at a large collection of monitors lined with images that wriggled and jerked. A chair was bolted to the floor in front of them, along with an empty suit that bobbed and twisted upon itself. A flat-topped straw hat was suspended nearby. Mackaba swam over. On the monitors, grids were overlaid with the odd water––marking the surface.
- Kim – Is this control room supposed to be flooded? Not sure what’s going on. And try to reduce –ing words. Where did the empty suit and straw hat come from?
No, it isn’t supposed to be flooded; It’s just a malfunction. And the clothes and hat belong to the real Hilo that ran the park. I thought I gave you enough clues from the mannequin earlier but I guess it wasn’t enough. I’ll put in another monotone robot voice that says “HI I’M HILO WELCOME TO MY PARK!”
Now excuse me while I make every object announce what it is and put monitors on every hex door that display its global position and time zone so ONE ONE GETS CONFUSED when the sun goes down twice in one page.
Ha,ha, I’m just joking around, Kim. Please don’t take five months to do the next chapter. ♥