First off, I have to admit something to Kim: You told me that using ‘less -ing words’ would help my writing and it did. So instead of “She entered the room, kicking the dog aside,” I’ve been putting “She entered the room and kicked the dog aside.”
Zounds! No more mixing tenses! I’ve SEEN the LIGHT!
Thank you, Kim. Now, on to the chapter.
We start off with Darrow sitting in the Blue Forest. Kim uses her female know-how to critique his outdoor furniture and then Mean calls.
- “Hey Mean,” he addressed the monitor, where the brown-haired girl’s face appeared.
- Kim – Is she a girl or a woman? Thought she was an adult?
I’m using ‘girl’ because I think it sounds better in this sentence. Isn’t it fine to call younger women girls? Mean isn’t THAT old.
- “Nice plant life here, right?” he said. “It looks as if the trunks actually grow down from the canopy, using the other trees for support until they can root into the soil. See? There’s a wooden, spiky-looking thing hanging just over there. They just drill right down into it.”
- Kim – Having a hard time picturing this. Not sure what he’s talking about.
Fret not, Kim! I have spent years observing plants since I wrote this! Now I can explain in more vivid detail the process of trees growing backwards!
That’s probably all I had to say, huh?
- The scene was split: the upper torsos with brandished weapons were drawn near the ground; while the portion with the legs was up by the flat roof.
- Kim – So their top halves are on the bottom while their legs are on top? Not sure why that is? Did the mural artist get mixed up?
The tower segment in Blue Forest has a mural on it, and the tower’s floors are scattered all over the world. I wanted to hint at that by having an incomplete mural but I think I need to change it up. Because yeah, if the halves on this piece make up the same picture it doesn’t really give the impression that it’s completed somewhere else.
I’ll skip ahead a bit since it’s just boring stuff and Kim getting confused by Darrow’s annoying antics. Sometimes Kim thinks his lines are errors, but he’s SUPPOSED to be oblivious. I just need to have the other characters react properly so the reader knows he’s supposed to be that way.
Like here, Darrow tosses the crown that Tome speaks through into the jungle and leaves him there all night. Darrow gives some flippant excuse about wanting to show off his tropical paradise. No one reacts to this, so Kim has a note wondering how Darrow seriously expects Tome to explore the jungle when his spirit is seemingly bound to the crown.
- “Hey!” Mean yelled, hopping over a toppled tree trunk on her way back. “Darrow, you tossed that crown like a mile!”
- Kim – How did she find it so fast? He could’ve thrown the crown in any direction.
Hm, you’re right. I guess I could put in a scene showing more about how magic works. Since her gravity power doesn’t work on organic objects she could reach out and find it through the thick weeds that way. Yeah, Kim! Yeah, Kim!
Now we move back to Stone Rory Refuge again. Mean and Dark were hoping to check up on the wounded Mackaba, but instead found Tyle Dhaston working on one of Parlay’s errands. Tyle rides around on a mechanical stalk, or a prosthetic orb thingie as Kim suggests I call it.
- Sweat soaked through his white cutoff shirt, causing it to stick to his back.
- Kim – A cutoff shirt? Like a midriff shirt? Sounds like something a teenage girl would wear.
Kim’s fashion sense to the rescue! You’re right, I don’t mean that. I mean, why would I? Ha,ha of course I don’t fantasize about cyborg men wearing teen girl’s shirts. What I MEAN is a white shirt with the sleeves cut off. What are those called?
- “We want to know if Mackaba is okay,” she repeated.
- Kim – Wouldn’t her first question be if this guy even saw or knew Mackaba?
Tyle asked them what they were doing there. What should Mean do? Explain the wacky chain of events that led to them dropping off a wounded police officer here?
- “Then why are you here, talking to me?” Dhaston said. “Do I look like I know a ‘Mackaba?’ Do you just go around, asking people questions that don’t make any sense?”
- Kim – He’s got a point. Why would she ask that in the first place? Maybe change up some of this dialogue to dialogue that makes sense?
Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha. Oh, gosh, maybe I should? But this is just too funny.
- Dhaston’s wheel rolled him forward, and Mean’s eyes flashed down at it for a second.
- Kim – Why is he moving forward and why is she looking at his wheel? Seems kind of rude of her and threatening of him.
Do you think this is bad? I mean, from a storytelling perspective. The situation needs to escalate and that’s usually how it starts: one rude glance at a person’s wheel here; one slight aggressive movement there. Maybe I should have Mean look at his wheel first, THEN he moves.
- Mean glared at him as she whipped her arm through the air. The bench with the folded coat leapt from its spot, sailing over at Tyle.
- Kim – Is she whipping her arm from the bench and then back to Dhaston? Or whipping her arm like a dance move? Trying to picture what’s going on.
Mean gestures with her arm while she uses magic, even though she doesn’t need to. Here she whips her arm to send a bench flying through the air. Sheesh, now I know why the Harry Potter characters scream magic words: it’s so you know they’re casting a spell and not busting a move on the dance floor.
As the chapter ends Trisk arrives on the scene. It seems she has some sort of history with Tyle, and she’s ready to protect her friends from him. Time for battle!
- Trisk braced her knees and held her fists up.
- Kim – Could omit. How is she bracing her knees? Or do you mean bent her knees?
Uh I have no idea why I’d put that. I should have her stomp her foot like a sumo wrestler instead.
- “Be quiet; just get ready to fight me.”
- Kim – Re-word? Like “Just shut up and fight me.” Or something like that?
Yeah, I do need something better for Trisk to say. This is how the chapter ends so she should say something cooler, right?
So here are the new choices! Please vote for your favorite in the comments:
- “Time to bust some balls.” (Since Tyle rides around on an orb.)
- Trisk puts on sunglasses, extends her arm, and beckons for Tyle to attack.
- “I’ll show you the power of a true Jesian! YAAAAAAAAAH!”
- “Cease your rambling and engage me in combat!”
I know these are mostly jokes, but I’m seriously thinking about using the first one. See you next chapter! 😉