AP2 Update: November 2023 (Chapter 21 and Brad’s Secret Video Hoard)

The 4th draft of chapter 21 is complete. Here’s what happens, in vague poem form:

Fine treats are doled out to the littlest chum;

Even those that have failed soon receive some.

Though one treat is squeezed in a frustrated hand;

The best treat of all is the grasp of a plan.

Mm, sounds like a juicy chapter. With the help of Kim’s notes, I had four main goals to achieve here. Let’s go over them.

Resolving the previous chapter’s cliffhanger: In draft three, Kim felt like the cliffhanger’s conclusion in this chapter wasn’t ‘earned.’ And she was right; a character sort of got a bit of a free ‘win.’ So I cut out a bunch of stuff that didn’t add to the conclusion and put in a WORTHY struggle. You’ll love it.

Putting in some lighter, funny stuff before the climax: Kim… actually liked the 3rd draft version of this part! Wow, she even highlighted the funny bits. Since she RARELY shows any praise in her margin notes, let me just put up her quotes of pure jubilation for the universe to see:

“That’s pretty funny.”

“Really funny!”

Thank you, Kim. These blurbs are movie-poster-worthy.

Perhaps someday I’ll earn a ‘screamingly funny’ reaction from Kim. But man, it’s tough to get ANY reaction from her. For example: earlier this month I sent her a video. Not just any video. This was from my prized YouTube list of ‘liked’ videos.

What’s this? You believe that I ‘like’ just any old meme? No way. There are a scant 56 videos that’s I’ve liked; I want all the best ones right there on my account in an exquisite gallery: primed and waiting for my viewing pleasure. TOP quality. NO duds allowed.

Actually, I’ll just put up the video here so you can see which one I sent her.

This video series is LEGENDARY. This specific bit here sums up the ‘Frieza arc’ of Dragon Ball Z using the perfect blend of practical effects and comedy. And Kim has been watching some funny Dragon Ball videos this month, so I thought I’d send her one of the best. I mean, the video has 11 million views! Surely I’d get some amazing reaction from her! She’d probably spend the rest of the week thanking me for delivering this masterpiece to her phone!

You know what comment I got back from her!?

Gotta be kidding me! She didn’t SMILE? Not once!? As you can see from my reply there’s no way I’m sharing any other videos with her. Dragon Balls before swine, as they say. 😒

But you see how tough it is to make her laugh? You might already know that I based the character of Trisk on her. I carried over Kim’s quality of rarely smiling or laughing. The calm and measured Trisk probably smiles MORE than Kim does, now that I think about it. 😅

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh right, the book.

Setting up the final battle: Time for the bad guys to talk about how they’re going to screw everyone over. I put a lot of exposition in this part, expecting Kim to reject some of it. But… she didn’t. She decided to nitpick some treat-based details that a character was using so I guess all the exposition is staying in! Cool!

Setting up the final reveal: This part is new, so Kim never saw it. She DID say that an important, later reveal needed to be set up at some point. And the reveal in question is related to how everyone on Overland died. In the first drafts, I just kind of told you at a certain point. Kim did not like that. Sure, I set up the clues, but the characters just kind of stumbled upon the answer.

Such weak writing! I can do better than that! So in this latest draft a certain character will put in the detective work. They will notice a vital clue that will break this case wide open. THEN! They will go forth and confront the guilty party.

But not yet. We’re just setting it up in this chapter. But soon they are going forth! How did everyone die!? Who or what could do such a thing!? It will all be revealed!

But that’s enough for this month! Merry Christmas everyone! 🎵



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